2022 - a year of grief, growth & gratitude
2022 has been a big year! As I write this, I’m sitting at my dining room table, sipping lemon myrtle tea from the land and gazing out to an abundance of green that meets and uplifts me. There are leaves of all different shapes, sizes and shades of green, and in this moment, they’re all totally still; like the breath hold between inhalation and exhalation. Their stillness allows me to observe how perky they all are… happy, healthy and heavy with the water element that’s graced this land so frequently this year. Haven’t we had a lot of rain in 2022!!! I think I’ve been flooded in at least three times this year, and on one occasion with an Airbnb guest who came for 3 nights and stayed for 5! For most of the year the seasonal creek here has had water in it… the first year I’ve ever experienced that. When the flow is still trickling over the rocks and flushing through the pools, my daily creek immersions are one of my most favourite joys of living here… and living here really does sustain me! I honestly don’t know how I’d keep going sometimes without my daily dose of vitamin N (for Nature!).
This year in particular, my heart has been soothed by the magic of this land as I’ve journeyed through three big losses that have precipitated lengthy passages of grief:
I was unable to continue my heart-work in a job I loved because I chose personal sovereignty and not the mandates; I simply couldn’t allow fear and externalised powers to control my choices - I’ve been there before and it was exhausting, so I knew I wasn’t able to travel that path again.
I let go of a significant relationship (& community) in my life… ouch! This was deep work and I cocooned for several weeks as I worked through the shadows to re-establish myself in the light.
I said goodbye to a beloved family member and witnessed in him the purity of love that’s possible when death is imminent. Heartbreaking and heart opening.
… and as I write this, a fourth grief is emerging… my “magic tree” (a native hibiscus) has just died. Growing alongside me since the start of my time on this land and gracing me and a hundred others who’ve sat by the fire with the most spectacular blooms, her death felt sudden, purposeful and incredibly significant. But, it’s time for the new to bloom, and miraculously, she’s encouraged a spectacular native frangipani (previously stunted in her shadow) to spring to life in her place…
Each of these losses in 2022 has propelled me into an initiation of sorts… an uncomfortable portal of potent shifts within the very ground of my being; a death and rebirth of my identity at every juncture. Each loss significantly shook the way in which I looked at the world, and ruptured my fundamental sense of belonging; inviting me to question how I showed up in the ‘new’ - for myself, for my loved ones, and for my service in community. I noticed that each time I inhaled the fullness of my grief, I observed my expansion in the exhale. Sufi mystic, Rumi, couldn’t have spoken more closely to the truth when he said:
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
Yes, the depths of my sorrow really do equal the heights of my joy… a phrase in itself that has been alive for me since my first deep dive with grief in 2016. I always attributed this phrase to Rumi too, but it’s more likely these words were my comforting attempt to create a ray of hope and optimism when things looked dark; a simple amalgamation of Rumi’s actual writings on sorrow and joy and this beautiful statement from Kahlil Gibran:
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain”.
Ahh yes sweet JOY… grief’s intimate dance partner. Gratefully, 2022 has been full of that too; consciously creating a simple life that makes my heart sing, surrounded my simple pleasures that nurture my soul. A big evolution for me in 2022 was to create and publish this website (with the magical help of www.melanieartemis.com) after what felt like a nine year birthing process! It feels so wonderful to have this website ‘out there’ and witness Heart Earth Radiance shining more brightly.
… and what more of joy? Well, I continued to engage with beautiful Airbnb guests and other visitors to the land as we shared in the magic of this place together, I successfully grew my first vegetables (thank you sunshine for finding your way through the canopy!), I committed to a weekly dance practice with a group of sisters who lift my heart and nourish my spirit, I cut through some old patterns of relating in my most intimate relationship, and I chose to spend time with those that matter to me most. Thank you to all the beings who witnessed me and shared authentic presence, I’m so grateful.
2022 has truly been a deep dive into the inner realms, and as we transition into Sagittarius season now and my upcoming birthday, I’m also celebrating 5 years of loving life on this sacred land. I really hope to share time with you too… to meet you in grief and joy in the years to come… because all of us is welcome here… and all of us is loved here… so very very loved!
p.s. a shout out to a precious sister of mine who lovingly created for me the eagle woman statue in the cover image… a sacred talisman for me to journey with. I love you ‘Mimi’, thank you for being here, there, and everywhere. xxx